letter #6

jan 14

dear carmen, 

     i hope you don't mind these letters--its just something i have to do.

     the other day i emailed my friend who had moved to canada and told him i wasn't depressed anymore. he answered, "it won't last!" and went on to say something about Happy Happy Happy! i emailed back saying i wasn't depressed but i wasn't necessarily "happy." i'll know i'm happy when, after sex with my future girlfriend, mutually orgasmic why not, she'll turn to me, tell me she loves me, i'll murmur something similar, then get out of bed and start my meaningful day doing something i like that is creative. until then not being depressed is alright.

     remember when i writing about the nature of laziness? how i had perceived i was lazy when i just tossed my clothes on the floor or wherever, but discovered it took less effort, ultimately,  to be neat and organized? i'm wondering if that philosophy can translate to other activities. for example i'm wrestling with this idea of starting a blog/website that i could see growing in many directions both profitable and creative. yet i often say fuck it, its too hard, i don't want to make the effort. well, maybe its more of an effort NOT to do it, i'm trying to figure this one out--am i making sense? like its more of an effort to lead an uninteresting life without the attendant attention and interaction this venture would inevitably produce. i need some help here...

     yesterday i was driving down the hiway to this coffeeshop in Mill Valley, where i write you these letters which i assume you read but does it really matter, and i was having these feelings of well-being, i was almost happy, in a matter of speaking, and yet i held back, suppressed my emotions because there is so much suffering in the world; it was like i didn't deserve to feel that good, or something. is this crazy talk? am i feeling guilty if i'm better off than someone else?...and just the way out govt. invades countries, starts wars, and kills innocent people--how can i truly be, well, happy if i am a part of that, my taxes buy bullets killing people in Gaza, for example?

     and also the economy: all these hiways are filled with consuming Americans, the stores are flooded with customers--are they all in debt to their credit cards? and the govt. spending billions, trillions to bail out this and that, just printing more money? how can people just run up credit card debt? even some close friends and family--are they going to keep re-financing till they die? (a 61-year-old friend just took out a $30,000 line of credit on a lot she owns, or maybe it was a 30 year loan--she figures the debt will outlive her.) i don't like being over-extended, maybe it was how i was brought up--my father was NOT into debt, even though that is the American Way, and often the way to wealth, if the timing is right, of course.

     a question i have is : is it actually financially necessary for people to get into debt in order to survive? if so the system is broken. or are these people buying stuff that they don't really need? and then i must say that they are delusional, or stupid, or have a fantastic trust in fate and the future.

     i'm cruising down hiway 101 consuming like the best of them, actually like the worst of them except i'm paying as i go; maybe that's more of a luxury than we think. i am blowing $100's of dollars on a sound system for my made-over house; i am buying every organizer i can find-- i just picked up a three section recycler and a desk paper divider from Costco. i am buying interesting and usually award-winning contemporary novels at every book store i stop in-- i think i have about 20 now.

     they say that consumerism is the american religion and i am worshiping at the alter of hope and shame, exultantly riding down the freeway with rockin' music and books on tape--i would probably give a great Whoop! and break into song if not for the suffering and financial chaos which somehow, irrationally (?) holds me back....and maybe thats all bullshit, maybe nothing is holding me back and this is as good as it gets, on a level.

     when i think about starting my internet and other businesses i always plan in a community service component, start a foundation, reach out to old people, do something to help...but who? i think if i were happy and fulfilled and my cup overflowed i would want to help others, but is that bullshit? if i were in a loving relationship maybe this scattered altruism would flow to my sweetie and family and that would be that. indeed having a lover, holding her tight, being inside her is a refuge from the craziness of the world--thats probably why poor people have so many children, the free drug sex, the  practical economic familial investment of creating progeny.