letter #5

jan 12

dear carmen,

     the last couple of days i have been feverishly planning, thinking about all those business and website ideas noted in the last letter. i'm entering some stage where i think i can do anything, but i'm falling back to earth, reality, and starting to recognize the grandiosity of my delusions, if thats what they are. i suppose my problem is wanting to do ALL this website stuff- be THE Community Website of the sohum area, all these biz ideas, when i probably need to choose one or two and go from there, that is where you might come in handy at our next session. 

     i've pushed our next appt. up to feb 5 as that date corresponds to a cooking class at the Co-op, but the date is not important. i want to finish my house before i have another session. in the last few days i have done about six hours on the kitchen, the deep cleaning, and still need to clean,  reorganize the cabinets.

     some of the old unease crept in yesterday when i told myself i was fooling myself if i thought i could do anything with the computer. the empowerment growing out of my sponge doesn't necessarily translate into the mouse, etc. i'm nothing and i'll never be anything, i thought...so i just said fuck it all, relax, just read your book, maybe you've got house-cleaning fatigue? its been almost a month of it with another few weeks to go with the basics. i am enjoying the process... so i'll keep cleaning and when i plateau out i'll come calling.