Letter #1

dec 21

dear carmen                                                           

     a week ago i was sitting around writing, lamenting really, that i spend a lot of time each day surfing the internet, watching TV news, and reading the New York Times. also that i tend to eat all day long, am putting on weight, and my house is dirty--it has all these problem areas.

     sitting there i thought that even though  i always say that how, where, to meet women is my problem, another problem, or maybe the real problem is what do i do with my day, my time. my last thoughts that morning were how can i mmotivate myself to exercise, clean house, and prepare tasty healthy food. could i hire someone to motivate me?

     the next day i decided to start cleaning my house an hour a day and to stop internet, TV, and newspapers. but where to start? really, my floor needs to be mopped but its necessary to clean things above the floor first, si? i picked one end of the living room to start, determined to do an hour each day. i was helped i believe by an incredible collection of diverse music i got from a guy in Mexico in a trade for wireless internet down the hill to his house--i  burned many CDs to clean by.

     the second day i started on my couch; it took two days and three hours to clean it. i vacuumed every inch: over, under, around; like an obsessed tweaker i stood there with patience i didn't know i had--when i saw spots of dust that the vacuum would'nt reach i got a damp rag and jammed it into those spots, rinsing the rags often.

     i thought i was getting ready to mop the floor (by the way it is now a week later, i still haven't mopped, and i'm thinking seriously of getting rid of the couch--Carmen! don't skim! i'm paying your usual rate, pro-rated, to read this!) so it seemed necessary to clean around the wood stove first. however, the spiral staircase was dusty so i went to the top of the  landing to clean that first. when i got to the top i noticed that the vaulted, 18-foot-high ceiling was cobwebby. i started on the ceiling, i cleaned the fan, i cleaned the track lighting. i got the ten foot ladder and set it up in the living room. for the hard to reach spots i attached an eight foot long pole to the mop with bungee cords. i was on a roll so i cleaned the ceiling, the rafters, etc, for two hours that day; the next day i did another hour on the ceiling, which had never been cleaned.

     the first day of this new program i hauled the exercise machine out of my bedroom and into the rec room. i created many energetic workout CDs and each day now i have had sweaty workouts in front of my favorite sports talk show, essentially the only hour a day i am watching. ( it had been two years since i used the machine.) i also fired up the sauna for the first time in a year.

     i have stopped pigging out between meals, i am getting a few recipes from friends, and am on the verge of signing up for a cooking class next month. i baked a chicken with veggies and pasta the other night; normally i will devour it quickly sans chewing thoroughly so this was a real test--i have been known to eat more than half a chicken at one sitting: i poured myself a glass of wine, served a moderate plate of food, and slowly ate a dinner by candlelight. when i was done i put the food away in the fridge.

     part of this program is to get some social interaction--i feel that is important: one day i had breakfast at the local cafe, the next day i decided to go to a winter arts faire. i figured half an hour there at the social bonfire would suffice. i took a CD i had mixed to give to anyone as an xmas present. when i arrived to the event i wandered around for awhile but didn't feel the need  to partake in what is standard social activity: you look around for someone you know, then you go up to them and talk. obviously i do not have the social skills to enjoy that form of interaction. i wandered around the faire, it was the first day of my new program, i did the circuit once or twice and decided to leave. i saw an attractive acquaintence and gave her the CD. i immediately left, not wanting her to feel obligated to participate in boring small talk because i had given her a gift. ( perhaps i should have conversed with her a bit before proffering the CD--by the way Carmen please feel free to circle any phrase or make a note here and there if you feel you might have a follow-up question or comment for our next session.)

     i left the faire and drove home, i had been in the hall only ten minutes, the whole excursion was less than half an hour but i felt very good about my behavior, though my friend  robbie who i saw there probably thought it somewhat odd, and i would have to agree. anyway, i was excited to get home and  do my first workout and sauna. (i had asked a couple friends if they were going and they said no. i guess i'm a "tweener": i don't really want to spend a bunch of time there, yet i know the social contact, however limited, is necessary, good for me, and even a little enjoyable.)   

     i was looking around at my house, my living room, already i was shifting furniture around but i've thought for years that  need a major makeover--perhaps i'm giving myself one too. i seem to be changing a lot, or trying to change a lot. after a few days on this program i started to actually have a more positive outlook because i was taking negative things out (endless hours of news consumption and over-eating) and replacing them with positive activities. 

     of course it helps that i'm also reading one fantastic novel after another. (A Thousand Splendid Suns...The White Tiger...Smonk...And Then We Came To The End...The Wind-up Bird Chronicles...) last night i finally got an email from that attractive woman i met up at the cafe--she said she enjoyed meeting me. i felt that i had somehow attracted that email by my rejunative behavior, hippy-dippy as that may sound. i now have some hope on that level too, that something will happen.

     this morning i decided to drive down to Ikea to buy an entertainment center and other portable closets--i have a desire to continue my cleaning to the point where everything is put away. i'm moving things around, changing things, getting rid of things, getting new things.

     i'm changing so many things on so many literal levels but i am still the same, the same core being. i probably don't know what i'm talking about though its "all good" and i HATE that expression.

     i spent three hours planning my entertainment cabinet at Ikea...