letter #7

jan 18

dear carmen,

well, we hooked up the new entertainment center yesterday but there are problems with the sound system and its completely taken over my mind this morning and i hate it because i want to think about other things.  i got so caught up in the sound system that i couldn't take my hike, make food, or start deep-cleaning the refrigerator. maybe if i write a few more sentences i'll get it out of my system.

     i am planning every inch of wire and this guy i've got helping me got irritated and said he wanted to just say, "Fuck you I quit!" i told him go ahead but he stayed, though it was a very stressful day...and it still is. H*** is very skeptical about everything and asked me to explain my relationship to "my therapist." (maybe i should just say "counselor?") he's a  really nice guy but he can be a grouchy old man at times. i told  him not to sit on my new couch in his work clothes; hell, i don't even come into the HOUSE in my work clothes. then i go downtown to get a couple screws, forget something and come back into the house and he's already sitting on my brown leather in his dirty dungarees--i didn't say anything, he's pretty sensitive, but that is not cool! and this is costing me more money if i send this to you--damn i'm stressed Carmen!

     on the positive side i am getting my hikes in the park most days, actually made a beef stew from C***'s recipe, and have finally inculcated the shoulder rehab exercises into my daily routine, ice included, and see my massage therapist and physical therapist on alternating weeks...and i am madly planning my website Community/Advice which i would like to be thinking about now in these golden morning moments with Peets and Mendelssohn. i realize that to make/run a website like that may be beyond me, as you can tell from this wiring project i need help with the smallest tech support gizmo...the site, including all the local goods and services as well as many interactive segments could need practically full time tech help, meaning hiring a web person and bringing in $$$ with Ads, etc: is this really what i want to do? we know i'm groping for something more meaningful to do but i will feel no shame if these turn out to be wasted hours of planning, its a process.

   H***, the handyman, wanted to know, he asked me if there was something i hoped to get out of seeing you, like would i know when i was "cured." i told him its not really what you do or say, its more what you DON'T do, ie, solve my problems. as i see it we talk and talk and then after ten sessions last year i said i don't want to see you for awhile, take a break, and then i look at myself and see what's left, whats left to think about. like YOU are not going to solve my problems i finally realize so now what do i do? i look within and figure it out myelf, or at least get started, or try to.

     of course i have to see you as part of the process of self-examination, like i said, talking it out and then see what's left, for me to figure out, do--i know i'm repeating myself. i had no idea it would work this way, had no idea that house cleaning and organization meant so much, have no idea what my next creative/professional step will be, and have no idea what i will discuss with you at our next session...ok, i have some idea...

P S : have i ever told you about my calendars? for the last ten years i've kept a daily record of of when i smoked weed then totaled it on graphs at the end of the year. a few years ago when i heard wine was good for you and started buying it by the case i added alcohol consumption to the record, then spanking the monkey, then workout times and distances, till there wasn't much room in the little calendar squares for appts., etc. i told myself this was a way to control my consumption of mind-altering substances. when i stopped smoking ten years ago for three years, then started up again my general goal was to smoke just a third of the evenings, well the last few years that has crept up to over 50%...in june of last year when i went to Mexico i stopped keeping the daily record;  i have now been 61 days off, the longest since i started keeping the calandar.

P P S: ok, much anxiety about nothing; the stereo guy in Santa Rosa walked me through the sound set-up and now i have Music...Music like i've never experienced at home: grand, towering Mozart and Beethoven (as well as White Stripes, Ween, Weezer, Blues Traveler, and the rest.)

Wow, good  speakers...

i get up and down, on and off on the website idea--today i realized that to make a decision about that now as my house is still in an uproar and in progress/process is too much, the decision would be skewed by the chaos. i'll keep planning and thinking and dreaming about ideas for it but won't act till i get this house finished: i HAVE to deal with the refrigerator today!

     some mornings i think i better not write to Carmen more because it is about a 5$ letter now and i don't want to take advantage of her or cheat myself either--isn't that silly? so maybe sometimes i overpay a little and underpay other times--i think it all balances out, not that there was any concrete agreement about this.